Life Update #1– Tings are looking up



The job I was waiting for abroad finnally issued my documents so, I’m blowin this popsicle stand!

I have healed a bunch from my heartbreak. Still stings and I think of him a lot but I have been doing better. I don’t check in on him (social media wise) as much as I did before.

It did hurt to see that when I returned to social media, we weren’t friends anymore. But what can I expect. I DID end our relations abruptly. The fact that I sent him letters probably helped him not want to continue as well.

Pro at destroying relationships…

But I wish him well and if we meet again, hope we can start over! If not…then it just wasn’t meant to be. No matter how much I destroyed the relationship on my side, if fate really wanted us to, we’d meet again. That’s my thought process.

I left the ball in his court and if he decides to pick it up again, then das dat! But I won’t be doing any more reaching out as I’ve said my piece.

As for future romances, I do want to be with someone but the thought of it is mostly unpleasant right now. Will talk to my therapist about relationship trauma before I decide to go out there again. IF I decide to. But honestly, I am finne being alone right now. Not interested in dating or making any more too too deep friendships. Especially if I’m going to be moving around a lot and we can’t hold a decent conversation unless we’re face to face.

I am happ(ier).

Let go of that love, new job and adventure, ready to start working on building my career.

Cause the lordt knows I’m tired of working for other people/ with other people (uness it’s in a freelance way/ I’m doing what I wanna do). I don’t want any more throw away jobs. I want to start my career now.

OOOOOO I really wanna have a career where I set my own hours and can work from anywhere.

Then, I’ll travel the world while doing what I want!

The thought makes me so excited and happy. I’m ready to stop running from my insecurities and what-ifs regarding doing what I wanna do.

BRUH I’m so ready to live alone too. While I have great housemates, we do things that rub each other the wrong way sometimes. Living alone, I don’t have to worry about rubbing anyone anywhere haha

Which begs the question…will I be able to get married and live with someone in the future if I feel this way now?


Just live ya life yall.

From the less miserable, more hopeful/ determined potato gal.

Work #1– Playin Games

Is your job playin games with you?

Are they trying to gaslight you by saying you should be grateful for being there while doing the bare minimum/ making you do the most?

This post is for ya.

I currently have a job that I literally don’t care about. I appreciate people who have this job. But I don’t think it is vital to have for anyone’s survival. Well, in the sense of the customers don’t NEED it to survive/ the business would survive without it.

I have learned to not care much for this job. I usually care about the job I’m doing. I try to. But this is a job I’m ONLY keeping as a stepping stone for my future. Issa throwaway job.

Now, don’t get me wrong; I’m grateful for having this job during this trying time. I’m just not grateful for the people I’m working for under-appreciating all that I do to help this business stay. OPEN. DURING A MOTHA LOVIN PANDEMIC.

Miss. Me. Wit. Dat.

I guess that’s how this industry is eh?

Luckily for me, this isn’t my finnal stop. I have plans, my g.

So, I’ve just stopped caring. I’m not gonna waste my energy on a job that doesn’t matter to me and who’s people don’t care about me.

Know thy value, my gees.

Romance #4– Nail in ze Coffin


I did it.

I may have pushed my guy away. BUT WAIT LISTEN TO THIS!

We were talking and I asked about his values. He didn’t want to go into detail and I asked why. Basically, he said that he could be personal and shallow with lots of people and he didn’t want to delve deeper. I get it. It can be a defense mechanism.

What I didn’t like was the fact that he labeled me as a “courtyard friend”. He said that our conversations are shallow but comfortable. He keeps me at a distance. Doesn’t seem like he wants to let me in either. Even though I let him in…

Well, I wrote him a letter telling him that my INFJ a**, my emotionally aware/ empath a** was hurt by that categorization. Or at least at him verbalizing it to me after I got what he meant the first time.

My thing is, people aren’t going to pen up to you if/ when you want them to. I understand that. What threw me off was how he was tryna erase what we already had. He was more open before and slowly, it faded.

I wonder if it’s cause he lost interest in me?

Or I was too emotionally draining.

Or, or, or, he is just emotionally unavailable.

Long story short, I told him I’d be talking to him less and he hasn’t messaged me since then.

Except when I sent two messages to him for the holidays in which he sent the greeting back. Das it tho.

It gives me anxiety because I really treasured him as a friend and I was in love with him on and off. We talked EVERY DAY.

But I’m…I would love to have friends who are as vulnerable with me as I am with them. My closest friends are like this already. I hate shallowness in any relationship and weather chat ain’t for me.

So, if we end up talking again, or meeting, we’ll see what happens.

But for now, I think I’ve pushed him away/ he is keeping himself away.

Maybe…it’s best for both of us.

*sigh screams*

Relationships #1– 쓰레기 (Garbage)

Whaaaaaa why.

Why do I let so much garbage into my life? I think I’m gullible when it comes to romance. Or I just like giving people chances.

Is it bad to give people chances? Obvi if they have a bunch of red flags before I consider giving them a chance, I won’t give them any chances. But if those red flags show up a little later, I seem to want them to try to fix them.

The thing is, they won’t fix them. They aren’t going to if I say anything. They will only fix themselves IF THEY HAVE THE WILLPOWER TO DO SO FOR THEMSELVES. There is only so much I can do. It’s up to the other person to fix themselves, not me. I also shouldn’t feel the need to give people chances if they’ve screwed up (particularly if they start out with screwing up or continue doing the same shit after it’s been brought up before).

I don’t even know if I’m making sense…

After letting go of that OTHER guy in my ‘Romance’ blogs, I focused on myself.

Aaaaand got involved with a coworker. Quite unintentionally from both of us. It happened. But this dude…has a past. I won’t go into specifics but I was even questioning my choice after hearing some of the things he had to say/ what I found on Google.

We never sat down and went into detail about his past. Or anything else for that matter. Though we connected physically (hugs, kisses, finger touching, etc.), it seems he wasn’t too eager to talk. Something about not trusting women/ trust issues.

MY thing is, homie, I am not doing that whole just be physical relationship garbage. There were a lot of things he SAID but actions didn’t follow through.

Now, this is in the early stages of our relationship but after today, I think that’s gonna be it.

After inviting me out a week ago and reminding me a week ago/ a few days ago, he flaked. I don’t know if it’s a city thing but I heard people here are flakey. And boy has the city lived up to the name.

He also mentioned how he wasn’t a good texter. Cool, I get it. My problem is, we don’t have time to talk when we work, he can’t text, and on his or my or our days off, he still won’t text.

To me, that means all your words of actually wanting to get to know me were bulls***. Or you really just aren’t ready for a relationship. OR, you lying to yoself and me about what you want.

He didn’t respond for 3 days when I asked when and where we were meeting. On the day, the morning were were supposed to hang out (I went to the place by myself because I knew he wasn’t gonna respond), he responded saying he was, “…in charge of getting lights for the tree”.

Confused Black Girl | Know Your Meme
My face when reading his flaking excuse.

Like whaaaat? I don’t get it.

  1. YOU invite me out a week in advance
  2. YOU remind me of this date throughout the week
  3. YOU were caught posting videos on your other social media even though
  4. YOU SAID YOU BAD AT MESSAGING PEOPLE? You can’t respond to a message sent 3 days ago but you can post on your social media???
  5. YOU say you want to get to know me more but make no effort to
  6. YOU say you better at communicating in person but then tell me your priority is work so we can’t really talk at work (understandable, same for me) but when you’re off or I’m off, you can’t even take a minute to respond to a sista? I get you busy outside of work too but


And you DARE say a 15-20 min trip to the store for some damn Christmas lights is why you can’t come? Christmas isn’t for 3 more weeks son. And we already planned th-


2020.12.07 UPDATE


He says he’s not ready for a relationship but is willing to have a “friends with benefits” relationship. I told him no, cause…no LOL And he SAID he respects that/ wants to still be friends even if there’s nothing physical. We decided to give ‘us’ (friendship, f***ing, dating, whatEVA) a try. ONLY TO BE DISAPPOINTED 5 DAYS LATER. NOT EVEN A 妈的 week later.

He pulled the same bullshine again. Not responding to my messages (or 1 phone call) up until the morning that we were supposed to hang out ONLY TO TELL ME HE GOT CALLED IN FOR WORK EARLIER!

So you tellin me you ain’t know you were gonna work earlier than the morning of? 8am? They called you at like 6/ 7am and told you? OR, you knew the previous day and just decided not to respond to me for over 12 or so hours. Even though you posted on your social media and responded to my message on your social media that was irrelevant to responding to an update of our hangout request. Talkin bou some, “I’m not coming, they called me into work *sends picture, as if I’d care*”.

Chile....please take several seats - nene leakes tho | Meme Generator
Me internally responding to people’s bulls***


Cash me outside howbow dah on Make a GIF

To end, I sent him a long o essay telling him how he made me feel. Apparently, he seems down today (friend/ coworker update).

I started to feel a little bad cause I don’t like when anyone is down just like I don’t like to be down. If it’s because of something that happened between us.


I also don’t like being treated like garbage so…yeah. It just has to happen. I also don’t need friends like this. Who make me feel this way when I’m trying so hard to get to know you and make things work. Relationships are 2 way streets. And I told him this. So, we just colleagues now. Hope he doesn’t make it awkward.

I hope I don’t give any more chances. I say hope cause if he changes somewhere down the road and we still interested in each other…I might…until I go abroad anyway.

But also, I’m not sitting here, waiting to give him any more chances. I cut him off. Blocked him. Told him we bouta just be professional at work and that my previous softness evaporated with his obvious disregard for my emotions.


I hate being so empathetic sometimes. Cause then, I forgive people who don’t deserve second chances.

I did wish him the best tho. Cause I do want him to evolve his EQ (emotional quality). I want everyone to reach contentment and their version of happiness. To level up.

Just not at the expense of…well…


Romance #3– Realizations

Oh that fool. Oh me.

I’ve decided to let go of my romantic feelings for him. After listening to Thee Madamoiselle on YouTube (check her out), it hit me.

Though I knew deep down I shouldn’t be actin the way I was, I still did. But hearing it from someone else helped snap me out of it.

I do really like him.


I want to get know him more and MEET HIM IN PERSON. I also wanna just let him live without thinking that I’m tryin ta get him to fall for me. I also ALSO don’t wanna unconsciously do or say things that hint that I am waiting for him/ want him to fall for me.

Confusing, right?

I just want to…be. Let him do his thang and for me, not be waiting for something to happen or jump on something when there’s nothing.

Y’all, I was seriously starting to agonize over him not responding to my messages. Like, when you dating and yo partner ain’t responding and you get antsy.

I need a hobby HAHAHAHA

I probably won’t stop talking to him every day but I won’t attach any special meaning to it. As I mentioned, even when I try not to talk to him (like yesterday) he messages me. That’s just how we are! But no feelings attached.

He will just be…the friend who I FEEL like I have feelings for but respect him and ME! We will just continue being us and see where the path leads.

I write this as Greeeeen’s Kiseki plays. The first line, in English, is “I’ll love you more tomorrow than I do today”. Bruh…LOL

On another note, I tried dating apps again and was, once again, met with disappointment. There’s no one on there who is looking for the same kind of relationship as I am. Or if they are, they are…scrubs…As TLC says:

I don't want no scrubs. A Scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me. I  don't care who you are. | Make a Meme
I don’t CAREEEEEE who you THINK you are. You ain’t da one and I’m DEFINITELY not the one for you. Periodt.

I went on a date of sorts with a guy who I wasn’t physically attracted to but hey, I like to look at personality. But during this date…y’all. I went to his place and we watched Harry Potter. But when I tell you as soon as I walked into his apartment and my nose screamed…

Yo, how can you be funky and have people over? Laundry was all on the table. He also smelled kinda sour. Maybe he didn’t recognize his own stench? MAYBE HE DIDN’T SHOWER.

I don’t get it. If you expecting some huggin and lovin, why don’t yo funky ass take a SHOWER?


I’m getting goosebumps thinking about it. That was a strike for me.

Another strike was how he was talking about not having money to get food from the store/ his diet.

Now, now, I am quite understanding. Maybe that’s all he could afford. Maybe that’s all he liked eating. But that doesn’t mesh with my diet. I’ve been avoiding processed foods for health purposes and das all he had.

Also, he has been living off of unemployment…so he jobless. Another strike. While I understand the current times/ difficulty looking for jobs (I was jobless up until 3 months ago after 3 months of being unemployed), not looking for a job/ a means to support yourself other than relying on the government’s allowance isn’t…attractive to someone who is working. At least not to THIS working woman. Doing something I don’t care about FOR NOW. But working to afford doing things I wanna do. Like living. And dating. Well, I don’t wanna date anymore but…you get the point.

“Well, why didn’t you bring food?”

  1. I’m not a wife. I saw a post about women doing wife things for people who don’t deserve it and IT’S SO TRUE. Why the hell should I cook for you when I’m just meeting you? Gorl bye~~
  2. Oh I thought of bringing food for myself but then I didn’t wanna carry all that crap with me. I thought of sharing but, BUT…
  3. This b picky af…He said he only like Chinese food, Mexican food, and American food? I asked him about foods from other continents, specifically Asia (Japanese/ Korean in particular) and he said “I don’t like fish”.

Biiiii- that’s racist af. I already struck him out for that and the fact that he wasn’t willing to try anything. I even offered to share spahetti I made but he was like “I like it fresh”. The sauce woulda been fresh. The noodles, a day old. Me over here like:

👀 Eyes Emoji (U+1F440/U+E419) | Eyes emoji, Emoji, Eyes
Ni- if you don’t-

Do I look like yo personal chef? Picky ass…Boi, bye.

That’s when I realized I shouldn’t be trying to do wife things for scrubs. He struck out 4 times, all in the same night. Maybe we can be friends but…our personalities, goals, and lifestyles are already clashing.

I used to be picky but realized that there is so much out there to explore. And, if I try something and don’t like it, now I know! That’s not gonna scare me away from trying other things though. I think that is among many reasons I know I won’t be anything with this guy.

Other people I’ve talked to on these apps stand me up, get offended when I make them realize their egos are way too big/ they are racist/sexist/generalizing assholes, or just care about sex. I’m really, really over it. So, I deleted the apps.

I did have another one because I’m bi-curious (romantically, not just sexually) but it’s kinda the same. Can’t hold conversations with the women I match with. The one that I’ve actually met in person seems chill but has stood me up twice (both occuring the day of the meeting). It’s tiresome.

I get people have things that come up but damn! You ain’t know that you were gonna have to reschedule BEFORE the day of our meeting? Why wait until a few hours before to tell me you need to reschedule? Why do you feel like it’s ok to keep rescheduling with me? Is it because I give chances?

I need to stop doing that. To everyone. Why do you need a second chance? We are grown ass adults. If you know something is wrong or that you won’t be able to meet someone, COMMUNICATE or just DON’T DO IT!

People make mistakes. I get it. Some mistakes aren’t worth second chances though. Not worth the time or energy. Especially if they have always been the way they are with other people in relationships. It shows lack of willpower to change. Also, if flaking becomes the norm, why does this person deserve chances?

I’m done with giving chances to people who don’t deserve them/ are taking advantage of my kindness/ are scrubs. I’m over it.

Imma find a hobby and try to lessen my negative emotions by doing stuff I love.

I don’t want any more relationships. No dating and maybe even no to new friends. If it happens naturally, it happens. But I’m not gonna look anymore. Not on the apps, not in real life. I’m just over it.

And, again, I wanna focus on myself so…there you have it.


aleina ♤ on Twitter: "Me right now #시험끝… "
Translation: “I don’t know. Fuck./ I don’t fucking know.”

Romance #2– I Can’t Help but Fall

That guy? The one with a girlfriend?

Yeah, they broke up.

So…my feelings for him have exploded. Frickin great, right?

We have literally been talking every day all throughout the day. If I don’t message him, he messages me first. If we don’t message for a day, I go kinda nuts. Well not nuts but I’m like, “Where he be? What happened? Why we not talk?” That’s where I’m at….

Doesn’t help that he suggested we consistently do video calls. We decided on once a week. Mainly for language practice. However, our conversations end up being 5% language, 95% random shit.

We still kinda awkward but…I don’t know. It’s interesting. He’s cute too. I love that he’s awkward and random with me. However, I also feel like he might not be showing his true emotions/ hiding a deeper part of him. Which is ok? Don’t wanna force people to open up to me just cause I’m an open book, ya know?

I also wanna give him time to realize and feel his post breakup feelings. I don’t wanna push myself onto him right after that just happened. I also don’t wanna be a rebound of his where he thinks that cause we are good friends he wants to be with me so soon after ending his relationship. If that makes sense.

There’s also the problem of us not meeting in person. It’s been two years since I’ve known this guy. We only really started talking this summer. Almost every day, guys. I don’t even talk to my other friends or family members that often.


I feel like I’m in middle school again where I shoved my one-sided feelings down for whatever reason. I thought those days were over. I hate it.

Even if he is ready to move on, it may not be with me. Look at me, worrying about what has yet to happen.


I am really attracted to him and so wanna be with him. A little hesitant about saying that til we meet in person but so far…my heart…

Flipping Tables / (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ | Know Your Meme
I don’t understand. I don’t want it. Take it back.
SHINee - Tell Me What To Do Lyrics (Color coded Han/Rom/Eng) - YouTube

To sum it up:

  1. I might be in love with someone who I might not genuinely click with/ who just broke up with someone
  2. I haven’t met the dude outside of video calls but I might be in love
  3. We probably shouldn’t be together/ I shouldn’t have feelings for him because of all the circumstances

So…why do I?


Romance #1–I’m not a Homewrecker


There is this guy I met through an app almost two years ago. We never met in person. Only talked. I guess we flirted or whatever. Then, I went to China and we kinda stopped talking. It’d been almost 1.5 years since we last connected.

I noticed he would watch things I posted on Snap almost every time. When I got back from China, I was curious so I reached out to him. I was also bored af cause this was earlier on in the pandemic.

He was like “Why you tryna rekindle old flames?” Mind you this was in response to my, “Hi, how have you been?”

Anyway, we end up talking and I tell him I’m not rekindling anything like that. Just wanted to say hi/ see how he was/ ask why he always silently watched my Snaps.

He just says I’m “interesting” based off what he sees in the Snaps. Whatever THAT means. The way he talked to me already drew me to him. He sounded chill and like a homie. Besides the whole rekindling thing LOL

Anyway, we decide to video chat. Now, now, now, before you jump to the conclusion that I am a shallow witch who only cares about looks, I will have you know I felt quite relaxed talking to him at this point.

When I saw him though…

My breath was taken away. He’s not like “ZAYUM HONEY!” hot but he is quite good looking in my book. Especially with his long hair… I thought, for a second, I would be coming out of my aromanticism/ asexual-ism with this boy. But then, he dropped the bomb.

“I have a girlfriend.”

Anime Visual Language Guide - Japan Powered
My internal thought process at this news.

Y’all when I tell you I was hurt…

But what made me more upset is he showed some true colors that day. He said he likes flirting with people. He can’t stop it. I asked him if he could potentially be polyamorous. He said he wasn’t sure.

BUT THEN, I asked how he would feel if his girl liked flirting with others/ saw other people (was poly amorous) and he said he didn’t like the thought.

Made me realize he was/ is selfish. And seems really f***boi like to me. So I told him to stop flirting with me. Cause I wasn’t da one. I was not gonna be a homewrecker.

We stayed friends and, after that video call a few months ago, he hasn’t tried flirting. I also keep strongly reminding him he has a girl. I would ask about her and also tell him to include her in his travel plans (especially if I was gonna be with him) to avoid misunderstandings.

But then….THEN he goes on to tell me he wants to end it soon with his girl. This is after I asked why he never mentions her/ why he responds vaguely when I say to include her in the travel plans. He’s doing it slowly. Not for me or anything. Just…for him/ them. Mind ya business.

Boy If You Don't Get by E. Hannah on SoundCloud - Hear the world's  sounds
Me hearing him say he’s “breaking things off slowly”.

I felt some kind of hope at hearing this. But then realized what a dumb dumb I was being. I kept infusing my feelings into this weird futuristic vision of us being together when he was confiding in me as a friend.

ALSO, if he loves flirting with people and is poly amorous, I don’t think we could be together. I am…monoamorous? Monogamous? I like the 1:1 exclusive types of relationships.

The problem is, he is proving to be quite a great friend. I have found myself talking to him almost every day and he seems to have no problem with it. It’ll just be about random stuff. Or practicing using the language we both know. Or just a random pic of an achievement or something one of us is working on.

Y’all, when I tell you I’m a 쉽사빠 (someone who falls in love easily in Korean slang)…

If you are nice, good looking to me, humorous, a bro-ski (homie vibes), AND intelligent…you quickly have a place in my heart. AND AMBITIOUS?

cute #kawaii #lovely #anime #blushing - Blushing Anime Girls In Love, HD  Png Download , Transparent Png Image - PNGitem
Me fangirling over a guy with my ideal characteristics.

I was thinking of asking him how he’d feel if I liked him BUT CAUGHT MYSELF CAUSE YA GURL AIN’T A HOMEWRECKER!!!!

I looked at some articles and had to convince myself to shove these feelings away because…

  1. I would not like it if my significant other was eyeing other people while we were dating
  2. I’m not a home wrecker
  3. Who’s to say I wouldn’t find myself in the same situation if I date him
  4. Apparently, she is still madly in love with him and he’s not but is “slowly” breaking it off. Whatever the f*** that means. Dude, just rip the whole bandage off if you’re gonna be like that!
  5. He’s proven to be a good friend/ is unaware of my feelings toward him. At least I THINK he is…gurl…
  6. I have ambitions larger than being with him. This international woman got tings ta do baBY
  7. I’m not a f***ing homewrecker LOL

There’s probably more than that but to summarize, I would not like that happening to me so, why do it to another person? He could also hurt me in the same way in the future. I’m not saying being poly amorous is bad or something to avoid. It’s just not for me and it’s not fair if you are but don’t want one of your partners to be. That’s called being selfish.

In the end, I have burned those feelings for him with this post. I would like to keep him as a friend/ encourage him to stop f***ing around with other people’s feelings just because he has been a good friend to me. I also love seeing my friends level up and learn something new that benefits everyone positively.

If in the future, we end up together, that’s that. I have no hope for it and am not looking forward to it. It could happen. Or it won’t. Whichever that may be, das in the future. I wanna focus on the now.

I’m gonna focus on leveling up myself!

Random Saenggak #4– Blood Runs Cold

Have you ever had something happen that just made your blood run…cold? Or that made your body just be…overcome with spiritlessness?

Well, I thought I lost my passport. I tore my house apart looking for it. I checked my last travel bag thoroughly. Or so I thought I did.

Turns out it was in the side pocket of my bag.

I am dead on the inside.

Get this: I reported it lost and cannot undo it. Even if I found the bloody document. That job in Japan only needed my passport information and entry/ exit stamps from the last time I went.

Now, they and I need to wait months for my new passport to arrive.

Get this pt. 2: There were 5 whole years left for this passport. And now I am paying $100+ for my new one.

All because I left it in the side of my bag.

I…I just- I’m-

I can’t.

Random Saenggak #3– Hurting

Lately, I’ve been hurting a lot. I haven’t found a job, I am back living at home, and my family is stressing me out.

Actually, I did find a job. In Japan. That is another reason I’m hurting. With the current state of the USA, ain’t no one tryna accept US citizens past they borders! And people here seem to not give a flip about it! This is prohibiting those who don’t wanna be here/ who actually already work in other countries unable to leave. It’s pissin me off.

I’m stressed because my family…+ job stuff. My dad has been hounding me to work at the same place he does. My problem with that is it is a job at a previous school of mine that I never wanted to go to in the first place/ didn’t enjoy. Also, I love my dad but I cannot be working with him and living with him. It frustrates me because he knows I’m looking and applying and interviewing. However, these are his words: “If you have the opportunity to do a job, then you should just do it. That’s being an adult, right?” in reference to him pushing working at his job specifically.

I get it. People should try to do what they can and some people don’t have the luxury to say no. There are probably people out there who would would kill for that job. Don’t get it twisted, this isn’t some major company job and the turnover rate is high here. It’s still a job though. And I think that’s my dad’s point. It might be his way of helping/ encouraging me however…the way it comes off is very suffocating and controlling to me.

I am not one of these people and just the thought of returning to a place I hated, working with a slightly over-bearing father, and then, going home to that…It really puts my thoughts in a dark place. A place I haven’t been in almost a decade. It was to the point I had a huge panic attack that I could physically feel in my heart.

Now to my mom…she is so underappreciated by the people in the house she lives in. This has been the case for years. At one point, I didn’t really appreciate her that much. Not until now when I reflect on everything she tried to do/ did for me with what she could growing up. But she also kinda accepts the treatment people are giving to her. She uses religion a lot to justify holding onto things or for getting over things. I disagree with that, especially if they are really bad things that are happening to someone. She has basically become a house-wife who also works outside too. She is doing so much with little appreciation coming her way. I’ve only realized that now, in my older years and I feel ashamed for it. Seeing others treat her that way is heartbreaking. I really want to be on her side and hope she will see that she is so much more than what people are making her out to be.

Her husband…not a fan, never been a fan for certain reasons.

My sister…she has changed and is spoiled to the point where she’s become disrespectful/ rude. To me in particular.

She is 13. Now I know you are thinking ’13? That is the puberty stage’. I get it. We all had those weird phases. My issue is, no one is checking her attitude. Basically, she is doing whatever she wants and getting away with it. Or maybe I just don’t see the punishments. From what I’ve observed though, nothing has changed between the times I’ve seen her (which is maybe once every 2-3 weeks).

I feel like lack of discipline and her phone are causes of this attitude. She doesn’t look at people when talking (as she’s too “busy” looking at her phone), she talks back with attitude in her voice when you ask a simple question, and, she’ll just straight up ignore you sometimes until you get in her face and make her look/ listen. I’m at my wit’s end on what to do with her. And the rest of my family. I want to understand.

**I just talked to her and told her how I felt. She found it hard to look at me but she apologized. I told her I care for her and want to see her grow into a great person. I also asked what she thinks of herself. Our conversations on these topics are far from being over, as she is in a critical stage of her life. One that can help her determine how she will be as an adult/ how she will be as she grows in new settings.

It’s just…a lot of stuff happening all at once. I want to just…disappear. I want to be away from people I know/ people in general.

I want to go somewhere where no one is.

I just want to…disappear…


Random Saenggak #2– Useless

I feel useless.

Lately, I feel like I am useless and good-for-nothing. When searching for jobs, being at home, talking to people, I feel so…useless. Not because I compare myself to anyone else. Just, based off my life.

I went to college, got my BA. That seems to be useless nowadays. It seems like jobs are looking for 5 time PhD recipients or 5 years of experience (for entry level jobs). It doesn’t help that a lot of jobs I’ve been seeing are completely unrelated to what I studied. That or I lack the amount of professional experience in that industry. I just got out of college (2 years ago) and already feel like I have no future. Or I have a future doing something I don’t care about. I don’t want to do that.

I know finding a job right now is a lot. But I’m also thinking, why? There are so many people out there who have great qualifications who can’t find jobs regardless of the fact that so many companies seem to be hiring. I know covid blah blah, can’t afford blah. How is the business going to keep running then? Aren’t workers essential in keeping any business alive? People start and run businesses. They keep businesses alive. Unless you use AI employees to do so.

A little off the topic.

I also feel useless because when I did apply for a job (online teaching), they gave feedback on a demo I did for them. They seemed to focus a lot on background stuff rather than my teaching. I get it. All that extra stuff can be crucial for some students. When I’ve taught online before this was not a huge problem though. It is how the teacher teaches. Like I said, I get it. However, at this time I don’t have all that extra stuff. I can’t afford it.

So, I sent them an email saying something along the lines of this. And I feel so…pathetic and lazy. I could get creative with the background by using some sheets or paper cut-outs (that I’ve colored or something). The point is, I could be creative with what I have. Instead, I told them I’m working with what I have for now until I can upgrade.

Excuses. I feel so ashamed. But also, conflicted because it is true that I don’t have access to teacher-like stuff right now (at least, not the quality they are looking for). Maybe I’m ashamed that I voiced this in an email. It seems like an excuse for not meeting their expectations. Sigh…

So, I am feeling in the dumps because of this/ lack of job/ lack of personal space.

Why is being an adult so hard.