Romance #3– Realizations

Oh that fool. Oh me.

I’ve decided to let go of my romantic feelings for him. After listening to Thee Madamoiselle on YouTube (check her out), it hit me.

Though I knew deep down I shouldn’t be actin the way I was, I still did. But hearing it from someone else helped snap me out of it.

I do really like him.

However.

I want to get know him more and MEET HIM IN PERSON. I also wanna just let him live without thinking that I’m tryin ta get him to fall for me. I also ALSO don’t wanna unconsciously do or say things that hint that I am waiting for him/ want him to fall for me.

Confusing, right?

I just want to…be. Let him do his thang and for me, not be waiting for something to happen or jump on something when there’s nothing.

Y’all, I was seriously starting to agonize over him not responding to my messages. Like, when you dating and yo partner ain’t responding and you get antsy.

I need a hobby HAHAHAHA

I probably won’t stop talking to him every day but I won’t attach any special meaning to it. As I mentioned, even when I try not to talk to him (like yesterday) he messages me. That’s just how we are! But no feelings attached.

He will just be…the friend who I FEEL like I have feelings for but respect him and ME! We will just continue being us and see where the path leads.

I write this as Greeeeen’s Kiseki plays. The first line, in English, is “I’ll love you more tomorrow than I do today”. Bruh…LOL

On another note, I tried dating apps again and was, once again, met with disappointment. There’s no one on there who is looking for the same kind of relationship as I am. Or if they are, they are…scrubs…As TLC says:

I don't want no scrubs. A Scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me. I  don't care who you are. | Make a Meme
I don’t CAREEEEEE who you THINK you are. You ain’t da one and I’m DEFINITELY not the one for you. Periodt.

I went on a date of sorts with a guy who I wasn’t physically attracted to but hey, I like to look at personality. But during this date…y’all. I went to his place and we watched Harry Potter. But when I tell you as soon as I walked into his apartment and my nose screamed…

Yo, how can you be funky and have people over? Laundry was all on the table. He also smelled kinda sour. Maybe he didn’t recognize his own stench? MAYBE HE DIDN’T SHOWER.

I don’t get it. If you expecting some huggin and lovin, why don’t yo funky ass take a SHOWER?

BRUH.

I’m getting goosebumps thinking about it. That was a strike for me.

Another strike was how he was talking about not having money to get food from the store/ his diet.

Now, now, I am quite understanding. Maybe that’s all he could afford. Maybe that’s all he liked eating. But that doesn’t mesh with my diet. I’ve been avoiding processed foods for health purposes and das all he had.

Also, he has been living off of unemployment…so he jobless. Another strike. While I understand the current times/ difficulty looking for jobs (I was jobless up until 3 months ago after 3 months of being unemployed), not looking for a job/ a means to support yourself other than relying on the government’s allowance isn’t…attractive to someone who is working. At least not to THIS working woman. Doing something I don’t care about FOR NOW. But working to afford doing things I wanna do. Like living. And dating. Well, I don’t wanna date anymore but…you get the point.

“Well, why didn’t you bring food?”

  1. I’m not a wife. I saw a post about women doing wife things for people who don’t deserve it and IT’S SO TRUE. Why the hell should I cook for you when I’m just meeting you? Gorl bye~~
  2. Oh I thought of bringing food for myself but then I didn’t wanna carry all that crap with me. I thought of sharing but, BUT…
  3. This b picky af…He said he only like Chinese food, Mexican food, and American food? I asked him about foods from other continents, specifically Asia (Japanese/ Korean in particular) and he said “I don’t like fish”.

Biiiii- that’s racist af. I already struck him out for that and the fact that he wasn’t willing to try anything. I even offered to share spahetti I made but he was like “I like it fresh”. The sauce woulda been fresh. The noodles, a day old. Me over here like:

πŸ‘€ Eyes Emoji (U+1F440/U+E419) | Eyes emoji, Emoji, Eyes
Ni- if you don’t-

Do I look like yo personal chef? Picky ass…Boi, bye.

That’s when I realized I shouldn’t be trying to do wife things for scrubs. He struck out 4 times, all in the same night. Maybe we can be friends but…our personalities, goals, and lifestyles are already clashing.

I used to be picky but realized that there is so much out there to explore. And, if I try something and don’t like it, now I know! That’s not gonna scare me away from trying other things though. I think that is among many reasons I know I won’t be anything with this guy.

Other people I’ve talked to on these apps stand me up, get offended when I make them realize their egos are way too big/ they are racist/sexist/generalizing assholes, or just care about sex. I’m really, really over it. So, I deleted the apps.

I did have another one because I’m bi-curious (romantically, not just sexually) but it’s kinda the same. Can’t hold conversations with the women I match with. The one that I’ve actually met in person seems chill but has stood me up twice (both occuring the day of the meeting). It’s tiresome.

I get people have things that come up but damn! You ain’t know that you were gonna have to reschedule BEFORE the day of our meeting? Why wait until a few hours before to tell me you need to reschedule? Why do you feel like it’s ok to keep rescheduling with me? Is it because I give chances?

I need to stop doing that. To everyone. Why do you need a second chance? We are grown ass adults. If you know something is wrong or that you won’t be able to meet someone, COMMUNICATE or just DON’T DO IT!

People make mistakes. I get it. Some mistakes aren’t worth second chances though. Not worth the time or energy. Especially if they have always been the way they are with other people in relationships. It shows lack of willpower to change. Also, if flaking becomes the norm, why does this person deserve chances?

I’m done with giving chances to people who don’t deserve them/ are taking advantage of my kindness/ are scrubs. I’m over it.

Imma find a hobby and try to lessen my negative emotions by doing stuff I love.

I don’t want any more relationships. No dating and maybe even no to new friends. If it happens naturally, it happens. But I’m not gonna look anymore. Not on the apps, not in real life. I’m just over it.

And, again, I wanna focus on myself so…there you have it.

끝!

aleina ♀ on Twitter: "Me right now #μ‹œν—˜λβ€¦ "
Translation: “I don’t know. Fuck./ I don’t fucking know.”

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