Romance #1–I’m not a Homewrecker

哇赛…

There is this guy I met through an app almost two years ago. We never met in person. Only talked. I guess we flirted or whatever. Then, I went to China and we kinda stopped talking. It’d been almost 1.5 years since we last connected.

I noticed he would watch things I posted on Snap almost every time. When I got back from China, I was curious so I reached out to him. I was also bored af cause this was earlier on in the pandemic.

He was like “Why you tryna rekindle old flames?” Mind you this was in response to my, “Hi, how have you been?”

Anyway, we end up talking and I tell him I’m not rekindling anything like that. Just wanted to say hi/ see how he was/ ask why he always silently watched my Snaps.

He just says I’m “interesting” based off what he sees in the Snaps. Whatever THAT means. The way he talked to me already drew me to him. He sounded chill and like a homie. Besides the whole rekindling thing LOL

Anyway, we decide to video chat. Now, now, now, before you jump to the conclusion that I am a shallow witch who only cares about looks, I will have you know I felt quite relaxed talking to him at this point.

When I saw him though…

My breath was taken away. He’s not like “ZAYUM HONEY!” hot but he is quite good looking in my book. Especially with his long hair… I thought, for a second, I would be coming out of my aromanticism/ asexual-ism with this boy. But then, he dropped the bomb.

“I have a girlfriend.”

Anime Visual Language Guide - Japan Powered
My internal thought process at this news.

Y’all when I tell you I was hurt…

But what made me more upset is he showed some true colors that day. He said he likes flirting with people. He can’t stop it. I asked him if he could potentially be polyamorous. He said he wasn’t sure.

BUT THEN, I asked how he would feel if his girl liked flirting with others/ saw other people (was poly amorous) and he said he didn’t like the thought.

Made me realize he was/ is selfish. And seems really f***boi like to me. So I told him to stop flirting with me. Cause I wasn’t da one. I was not gonna be a homewrecker.

We stayed friends and, after that video call a few months ago, he hasn’t tried flirting. I also keep strongly reminding him he has a girl. I would ask about her and also tell him to include her in his travel plans (especially if I was gonna be with him) to avoid misunderstandings.

But then….THEN he goes on to tell me he wants to end it soon with his girl. This is after I asked why he never mentions her/ why he responds vaguely when I say to include her in the travel plans. He’s doing it slowly. Not for me or anything. Just…for him/ them. Mind ya business.

Boy If You Don't Get by E. Hannah on SoundCloud - Hear the world's  sounds
Me hearing him say he’s “breaking things off slowly”.

I felt some kind of hope at hearing this. But then realized what a dumb dumb I was being. I kept infusing my feelings into this weird futuristic vision of us being together when he was confiding in me as a friend.

ALSO, if he loves flirting with people and is poly amorous, I don’t think we could be together. I am…monoamorous? Monogamous? I like the 1:1 exclusive types of relationships.

The problem is, he is proving to be quite a great friend. I have found myself talking to him almost every day and he seems to have no problem with it. It’ll just be about random stuff. Or practicing using the language we both know. Or just a random pic of an achievement or something one of us is working on.

Y’all, when I tell you I’m a 쉽사빠 (someone who falls in love easily in Korean slang)…

If you are nice, good looking to me, humorous, a bro-ski (homie vibes), AND intelligent…you quickly have a place in my heart. AND AMBITIOUS?

cute #kawaii #lovely #anime #blushing - Blushing Anime Girls In Love, HD  Png Download , Transparent Png Image - PNGitem
Me fangirling over a guy with my ideal characteristics.

I was thinking of asking him how he’d feel if I liked him BUT CAUGHT MYSELF CAUSE YA GURL AIN’T A HOMEWRECKER!!!!

I looked at some articles and had to convince myself to shove these feelings away because…

  1. I would not like it if my significant other was eyeing other people while we were dating
  2. I’m not a home wrecker
  3. Who’s to say I wouldn’t find myself in the same situation if I date him
  4. Apparently, she is still madly in love with him and he’s not but is “slowly” breaking it off. Whatever the f*** that means. Dude, just rip the whole bandage off if you’re gonna be like that!
  5. He’s proven to be a good friend/ is unaware of my feelings toward him. At least I THINK he is…gurl…
  6. I have ambitions larger than being with him. This international woman got tings ta do baBY
  7. I’m not a f***ing homewrecker LOL

There’s probably more than that but to summarize, I would not like that happening to me so, why do it to another person? He could also hurt me in the same way in the future. I’m not saying being poly amorous is bad or something to avoid. It’s just not for me and it’s not fair if you are but don’t want one of your partners to be. That’s called being selfish.

In the end, I have burned those feelings for him with this post. I would like to keep him as a friend/ encourage him to stop f***ing around with other people’s feelings just because he has been a good friend to me. I also love seeing my friends level up and learn something new that benefits everyone positively.

If in the future, we end up together, that’s that. I have no hope for it and am not looking forward to it. It could happen. Or it won’t. Whichever that may be, das in the future. I wanna focus on the now.

I’m gonna focus on leveling up myself!

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