Random Saenggak #3– Hurting

Lately, I’ve been hurting a lot. I haven’t found a job, I am back living at home, and my family is stressing me out.

Actually, I did find a job. In Japan. That is another reason I’m hurting. With the current state of the USA, ain’t no one tryna accept US citizens past they borders! And people here seem to not give a flip about it! This is prohibiting those who don’t wanna be here/ who actually already work in other countries unable to leave. It’s pissin me off.

I’m stressed because my family…+ job stuff. My dad has been hounding me to work at the same place he does. My problem with that is it is a job at a previous school of mine that I never wanted to go to in the first place/ didn’t enjoy. Also, I love my dad but I cannot be working with him and living with him. It frustrates me because he knows I’m looking and applying and interviewing. However, these are his words: “If you have the opportunity to do a job, then you should just do it. That’s being an adult, right?” in reference to him pushing working at his job specifically.

I get it. People should try to do what they can and some people don’t have the luxury to say no. There are probably people out there who would would kill for that job. Don’t get it twisted, this isn’t some major company job and the turnover rate is high here. It’s still a job though. And I think that’s my dad’s point. It might be his way of helping/ encouraging me however…the way it comes off is very suffocating and controlling to me.

I am not one of these people and just the thought of returning to a place I hated, working with a slightly over-bearing father, and then, going home to that…It really puts my thoughts in a dark place. A place I haven’t been in almost a decade. It was to the point I had a huge panic attack that I could physically feel in my heart.

Now to my mom…she is so underappreciated by the people in the house she lives in. This has been the case for years. At one point, I didn’t really appreciate her that much. Not until now when I reflect on everything she tried to do/ did for me with what she could growing up. But she also kinda accepts the treatment people are giving to her. She uses religion a lot to justify holding onto things or for getting over things. I disagree with that, especially if they are really bad things that are happening to someone. She has basically become a house-wife who also works outside too. She is doing so much with little appreciation coming her way. I’ve only realized that now, in my older years and I feel ashamed for it. Seeing others treat her that way is heartbreaking. I really want to be on her side and hope she will see that she is so much more than what people are making her out to be.

Her husband…not a fan, never been a fan for certain reasons.

My sister…she has changed and is spoiled to the point where she’s become disrespectful/ rude. To me in particular.

She is 13. Now I know you are thinking ’13? That is the puberty stage’. I get it. We all had those weird phases. My issue is, no one is checking her attitude. Basically, she is doing whatever she wants and getting away with it. Or maybe I just don’t see the punishments. From what I’ve observed though, nothing has changed between the times I’ve seen her (which is maybe once every 2-3 weeks).

I feel like lack of discipline and her phone are causes of this attitude. She doesn’t look at people when talking (as she’s too “busy” looking at her phone), she talks back with attitude in her voice when you ask a simple question, and, she’ll just straight up ignore you sometimes until you get in her face and make her look/ listen. I’m at my wit’s end on what to do with her. And the rest of my family. I want to understand.

**I just talked to her and told her how I felt. She found it hard to look at me but she apologized. I told her I care for her and want to see her grow into a great person. I also asked what she thinks of herself. Our conversations on these topics are far from being over, as she is in a critical stage of her life. One that can help her determine how she will be as an adult/ how she will be as she grows in new settings.

It’s just…a lot of stuff happening all at once. I want to just…disappear. I want to be away from people I know/ people in general.

I want to go somewhere where no one is.

I just want to…disappear…

Sigh…

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