Random Saenggak #2– Useless

I feel useless.

Lately, I feel like I am useless and good-for-nothing. When searching for jobs, being at home, talking to people, I feel so…useless. Not because I compare myself to anyone else. Just, based off my life.

I went to college, got my BA. That seems to be useless nowadays. It seems like jobs are looking for 5 time PhD recipients or 5 years of experience (for entry level jobs). It doesn’t help that a lot of jobs I’ve been seeing are completely unrelated to what I studied. That or I lack the amount of professional experience in that industry. I just got out of college (2 years ago) and already feel like I have no future. Or I have a future doing something I don’t care about. I don’t want to do that.

I know finding a job right now is a lot. But I’m also thinking, why? There are so many people out there who have great qualifications who can’t find jobs regardless of the fact that so many companies seem to be hiring. I know covid blah blah, can’t afford blah. How is the business going to keep running then? Aren’t workers essential in keeping any business alive? People start and run businesses. They keep businesses alive. Unless you use AI employees to do so.

A little off the topic.

I also feel useless because when I did apply for a job (online teaching), they gave feedback on a demo I did for them. They seemed to focus a lot on background stuff rather than my teaching. I get it. All that extra stuff can be crucial for some students. When I’ve taught online before this was not a huge problem though. It is how the teacher teaches. Like I said, I get it. However, at this time I don’t have all that extra stuff. I can’t afford it.

So, I sent them an email saying something along the lines of this. And I feel so…pathetic and lazy. I could get creative with the background by using some sheets or paper cut-outs (that I’ve colored or something). The point is, I could be creative with what I have. Instead, I told them I’m working with what I have for now until I can upgrade.

Excuses. I feel so ashamed. But also, conflicted because it is true that I don’t have access to teacher-like stuff right now (at least, not the quality they are looking for). Maybe I’m ashamed that I voiced this in an email. It seems like an excuse for not meeting their expectations. Sigh…

So, I am feeling in the dumps because of this/ lack of job/ lack of personal space.

Why is being an adult so hard.

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